*cough* I think I'm going to die *lung-hacking cough* My body is really sick of trying to cough up all this crap in my chest. I know, that was unnecessarily disgusting, but I've been super sick for 2 days and it's really starting to bother me. For some reason, I've been sick much more often this year then any other in recent memory. It's probably from moving into a new germ system that my immune system isn't used to, but being sick is very inconvenient. Gag me.

Anyway, today sucked. I took the SAT, but I kept blacking out in the morning and I couldn't drive myself there so my mom gave me a ride. I thought it was pretty easy, but that could have been because I was sick or whatever. I was most worried about the essay, but it went surprising well and that made me much happier. Everyone else went out to lunch afterwards, but I was drained so I went home and slept. From the time I woke up until present I've been sitting lazily on my couch watching movies and reading very random bits of books. Technically, because I'm "grounded", I should be doing lots of housework, but my mom's taking it easy on me because I'm going to die of pneumonia soon. :) Let's hope she doesn't pull a classic mom move and ground me next weekend or something because I was sick this weekend.

Today was also a day of startling revelations and not one, but two momentous occasions! They are:

1. My quarter grades are going to suck. Really bad. I think I have an A in pre-calc, chem, band, choir, a B in everything else and a C in spanish

2. I also realized that my delirium from my fever on friday led me to blow of giving senora my destinos packet, which probably resulted in a dramatic dip in my grade. Cool.

3. I have only 6 months to accomplish my life goal of receiving my first kiss by the time I'm eighteen. What kind of a loser will I be If I can walk around saying "I'm eighteen and I've never been kissed" ?

4. Tryouts for Oliver at the playhouse are coming up!

5. Districts are coming up, and I really don't have everything ready (especially my violin solo, yikes) and the quartet w/ Matt, Jaffre, Garret, Which we've never played together before.

The two momentous occasions were as follows:

1. First Thunder storm! I love thunder . . . and thunder storms for me mean summer/spring is coming, as are long walks right before and after it rains, late nights, ect. Yes!

2. I found all of my negatives from the photography class I took freshmen year! Most of them suck, but there are a couple that have some potential, especially if I can get the darkroom set up in the crawlspace and mess around with them using darkroom technique, not photoshop. Photoshop is awesome, don't get me wrong, but the darkroom is just special. I have some photos I took at night that I still have to get developed and then I'll mess around with those too. Massive photography re-vamp = happiness!

That's all I have, even though it wasn't very exciting. I have to go hack up a lung now.

Romantic gestures . . . a list

It is Tuesday, and I actually have quite a bit to do tonight, but I'm avoiding writing an english paper and here we are.

CYC (catholic youth convention) was this weekend. It was different then I expected, but in a good way. It was a rewarding experience, which was nice. I defiantly felt like I got something out of it. I enjoyed getting to know Jane more, who I've never really talked to. We had some pretty good times, involving lots of hair flipping and gum twirling. Did you know that Matt is betting at making gum chewing look sexy then Kaitlin, Jane, and I? It was pretty shocking, let me tell you. Anyway, after reading through an issue of cosmo, which I have never read, I decided to compile my own list of favorite romantic/sexy gestures, because cosmo seems to be somewhat off. Here we are:

1. Unexpected touch No, I'm not saying random people touching me is nice. However, when someone I'm interested in spontaneously reaches for my hand or something, it's very pleasant.

2. Deep, penetrating gaze Hmmm . . . I guess this could be described as that moment where your eyes are locked and the world around you swirls ect. Very romantic

3. Running of hands through hair I don't really know why I find this so sexy, but it is. Maybe it's because most guys do it as a relaxing gesture, like breathing deeply. Anyway, it's hot

4. Musical ability Yeah, maybe this is just me, but I have absolutely no willpower against musical ability. It's too damn sexy! Especially voice and trumpet, oh man. It would take far to long to list the many reasons this is so attractive, so I let it be.

5. Laughing when (most) guys laugh, it's extremely attractive. It becomes about 100 times more sexy when they don't often laugh and you know it's genuine.

6. Intelligent/sensitive comments It's sexy because it shows who they really are, and obviously you want to be more attracted to the personality side of a person then the physical, so these are important.

7. Being Protective I can't say this is always a sexy quality, but in small quantities at the right times, it shows how much they care about you and that you're not the only one invested in the relationship.

8. Praying It sounds soooo incredibly wrong to say this, but I find guys very sexy when they are praying. For one thing, it shows that they have a deeper level, and just like watching someone sleeping makes them look really hot because they look peaceful, so does praying.

That was a pretty shallow post, huh? oh well. Life goes on, as always. :)

Man, I love Wednesdays

This week has been insanly busy, and the coming weeks are just going to get worse. However, that's not why I'm updating *gasp!*. Something VERY exciting happened last week and I felt the need to talk about it. Free time has been few and far between lately, so I'm only just getting around to it. I'm going to be out of town pretty much every week in March and there is just more and more going on every day. It's an exciting kind of busy though, the type that feels good and fun even if it's hard work.

So, back to what I wanted to talk about, which is . . . something that happened last wednesday. I guess I should start at the beginning, since I haven't exactly been keeping my non-existent readers informed of the situation. Well, it will help me analyze it better, so it will be good.

Ready? This is exciting . . .

For a while now, I've had feelings for Matt. I don't know how long exactly . . . probably around a month or so. Hmm . . . when did it start? I remember I was in English, and Courtney made some offhand comment about him, and all of the sudden my stomach lurched and I got the weirdest feeling that send a chill down my back. My brain didn't quite register what had happened until I went to the bathroom and started thinking about what was going on. Then, in a flood of memories, I realized how much I cared about him. Those little sparks of chemistry between us meant something more then I was willing to admit. At first I was a little confused, but I thought it through and decided not to make any sort of effort because:

A) we were (are) very good friends, and our friendship is very satisfying. I wouldn't want to ruin that by thinking a relationship might work out.

B) I was almost certain Matt did not feel the same way I did

C) I was somewhat afraid that I was tricking myself into liking him, and that my feelings might not be as genuine as I thought. This sounds really dumb, but it does happen. There have been a few times where I thought I liked someone because, for lack of a better explanation, I wanted to

Anyway, nothing much changed from that point on until last week. I acted (at least I think I acted) the same way I had before I realized I liked him. Some more backround; certain people (adults and some mutal friends) have been trying to set us up for a while. I had heard from one of these people about two weeks ago that they had been having a conversation about me. I was curious why they had been talking about me, so I asked Matt about it. He wouldn't answer me right away, but last Saturday I brought it up again and Matt sort of hinted that he would not find the idea of dating me completly repulsive. This surprised the hell out of me, and we waited to talk it out until wednesday night, when we had choir.

Well . . . I don't really know how to describe what we talked about. It's so weird to talk to Matt sometimes because we are so much alike we have the same train of thought. We talked about how we knew eachother really well, and how our friendship was very honest and open and always had been. Matt talked about how he thought dating would be an extension of our friendship and how he saw no reason why it wouldn't be a positive thing, because we both had brains and a lot of respect for eachother. I did mention that I hoped he wasn't settleing for me, and that he was sure about it, because I didn't want him to be doing this unless it was real. I guess the most surprising part of the whole conversation was hearing him assure me it wasn't, and listen to him talk about us so honestly, with feeling. I was shaking so bad I had to play with my e-brake so it wouldn't be noticable, but I was totally calm at the same time. It was odd because everything coming out of his mouth was almost exactly what I was feeling. It's a calculated risk to enter into a relationship, but I trust that we won't hurt eachother, and that it will be a positive thing. When he asked if we were offically dating at the end of the conversation, he had a smile on his face that made my knees a little weak (sappy, I know, but I'm serious) and that was it.

So the point of that overly long post was basically to say I'm no longer single. I'm dating someone who I really care about, but at the same time if it doesn't work out I think we will still be able to be friends. It's odd to say, but I'm hopeful about this. I really do feel like it will be a good thing, and I think it's a good sign that we're both very calm and controlled and that we're . . . realistic but positive.

Now I have a smile on my face, so even if nobody cares about this it has served a purpose. :)

Wow! I'm absolutly exhausted today, though I have a reason. Yesterday was a VERY long day. I cleaned most of the morning, then went to set up for the dance my class hosted to try and get more money for prom. After that I went to mass and sang ect. Then I went to go get my family dinner before I had to go back to school to finish setting up the music for the dance. *whew*

Yeah, so my major stressful thing yesterday was the dance. I was put in charge of the music yesterday, after being told that Hyrum had some of it ready so we wouldn't have to do much. The way they wanted to do it was just not going to work, so I made an emergency call to Matt asking him for the music he used at the guys and dolls dance, which he D.J-ed. Thank god he brought it, or else . . . well, it would not have been good. I did feel kind of bad for Matt, because he had to stay the whole time because we used his computer.

Good news? We had a great turnout for a casual dance and made a lot of prom money. Bad news? When you are a D.J, people are complete bastards about what music is being played. You can never keep everyone happy and people cuss you out if you play a "crappy" song. Urgh. It's very stressful. I didn't dance at all and spent most the evening on the brink of being murderd because we kept having problems with how we routed the speakers and stuff. Ah well, it was an expeirience.

Another thing that has been bothering me; prom. Is it ethical to sort of oppose prom and still help put it on? I just don't have a desire to go. Everyone who is helping keeps trying to get me to go, but I just don't feel like it. I'm not saying I'd have an awful time, but there is a 99.9% chance that it won't be anything spectactular, and I don't care enough. On the other hand, I see people getting asked to it and sort of wish someone would. That's pretty hypocritical; not wanting to go but wanting someone to ask me. I guess its more about someone reaching out then what their reaching out for, or else I would want to go more. Which leads me to wonder whether I'd go if someone asked me. Deep down, I still really don't want to go, but honestly if someone asked me I would probably say yes, partly because I don't know how I could say no without being an elitist jerk and partly because I think I would just because someone actually asked me. This makes me feel very hypocritical, but whatever. I doubt anyone will even think about asking me, so I'm fine. My inner moral struggle about the ethics of prom has offically been thwarted. :)

But . . . who would I want to ask me???? There is one person, but I know for certain he wouldn't do it. I think we might have a good time, so this makes me a little sad. However, I don't know how I'd handle myself with him at a dance, or after it. There are a lot of expectations/traditions that go along with prom and getting asked ect. I don't think I would handle that situation well at all. And I really don't want to ruin what we have, because its nice, even though I secretly want something more. If he did ask me, we might feel obligated to try out being more then friends, then screw it up and just be . . . off around eachother. I hate this feeling! I really care about him, and there are plently of moments where I think we almost come close to being more then friends, but nothing ever happens and I'm not even sure if he feels the same way. I wouldn't sacrifice his friendship for a relationship unless I knew it would be good for both of us. It's a mute point anyway, because nothing will probably happen, and I'll never have to make that choice. Although, I think I honestly want it to, whihc bothera me.

Why I am going Crazy

I don't know what's up with me, but I swear I've become completely unhinged. I keep hearing weird noises (and no, not just when I'm by myself) and seeing little flashes of light or color. I also keep getting the kind of headaches I usually get when I clench my teeth or really hit my head hard. Its so weird! I think it might just be in my head but I can't stop it! And I listened to a country music station last night on the way home. See, I'm crazy, Argh!

So . . . Its been awhile since I updated this. What's happened? Hmmm . . . well, I went to Libby for band. It was pretty boring, but just hanging out with everyone in band was pretty cool. We had some good times pranking people and telling my friend Laura that see has a build-up of sexual tension with her arch nemisis. Its so much fun because she turns brick red everytime I mention it, and she's so collected normally. Still, I probably should have stopped bugging her about sexual tension because now she won't stop giving me crap about sexual tension she thinks that I have with . . . er, someone. Ah well. I also had possibly my most embarrasing moment since the time I shorted the power in elementary school. But that would take far to long to explain, so I'll just say I think turned about as red as I have ever been in my life and Mike really needs to keep his mouth shut. Other then that, the only other thing that I'm thinking about right now is learning all the music for choir, which I just joined, for the concert in three weeks. Yeah, I afraid I will screw up royally, or just not know the music as well as I usually do, which is scary.

That's kind of all, and yes, I know it was boring but that's alright.

Night, all.

Busy Days (and nights)

The new ipods are sooooooooooo cool. I've had mine for a little while, but I've only just starting playing around with it. Music. Videos. ibooks. I'm in love. And they're only like half and inch thick!!!! Rock on, apple. Even though I hate macs. I still must commend you. :)

So, another week has begun and I have so much to do. Yesterday wasn't bad but I have something really time consuming going on other day. Pep band is tonight, Friday, and Saturday. Tomorrow night I have a youth group leadership meeting and practice, then hopefully another interesting discussion with Matt. Thursday I should get together with Alexa and work on our Spanish project but we'll see how that goes. Saturday is my sister's birthday so I'll probably have to eat with my grandparents. I might have to skip tennis to go to that which isn't good because I've missed the last two practices. Sunday is church and practice and homework. Not to mention all of the homework I have to do up until , seeing as the semester is almost over. Normally I don't mind being busy, but keeping everything I have to do straight is stressing me out a little.

On the other hand, it would be much worse if I was in Denver. My old school had a schedule where you had every class every day. The periods were shorter, which was nice, but the homework load sucked. Imagine trying to take care of 7 classes worth of homework in 1 night versus 4 classes worth of homework in two nights. It's much less demanding. So I guess things could be worse.

So . . . that's my life right now. It's good in some ways because it's keeping my mind off other things, but I really hate living my life like a series of checkpoints. A few weeks ago I was in a down and out kind of mood but it's getting better. I think it really helps to pray. I've always prayed when I felt I needed to but I've been doing it more often lately. In youth group on Sunday we said a rosary and it was really nice. Partly because the repetition sort of make me lose myself and partly because it just . . . was. I should say rosaries more often. I think it means I'm not becoming jaded, which is good. Being jaded is not fun.

Well, I should research for Spanish a little.

For Matt - Wherever I may find him

Teeheehee. The title of this post makes me laugh. I only used it because I'm listening to Simon and Garfunkle right now.

So, this post is about Matt. Actually, this post is for Matt (and myself, of course). So if there is anyone out there who reads this, that's why it's so spastic. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

Matt:

I read your blog. I wasn't offended or anything. I'm actually sort of glad you brought it up because a lot of the time I feel the same way. I'll try and be articulate, although it might turn insomnic rant-ish. I apologize in advance.

So my problems have been-
-hypersensitivity to your criticisms (and feeling like I'm being criticized often, even though analysis proves otherwise later on)
-Being very defensive
-Not wanting to let you get to know me anymore
-Feeling like we connect well sometimes, and then are totally distant the next day

Lately, I have felt a lot of tension between us. I have been putting most of it on me acting defensive ect, but knowing you feel the same way changes things a bit. In some ways, I feel like I see things I don't like about myself through your behavior. Not because you have those traits necessarily, but that being around you brings them out in me. It has made me re-evaluate most of my emotions, which I think is a good thing. On the other hand, it also makes me watch for those traits in almost an obsessive manner around you, which in turn makes me really . . . annoying. We know each other well. I think it's partly because we're alike in so many ways that we just have an understanding but also because we talk and try to get to know each other better. We're also both introverted. That makes it hard for us to . . . Connect sometimes. I hate when people get to close, and I've always kept people far enough away to not hurt (or help) me. It scares the hell out of me that you have broken past that barrier. It shouldn't, because a big part of me knows you would never hurt me. I also know that I need to be more open in general. But it's hard to shut off my security when it's been on for so long. When I feel like you're getting too close, I use my age old sarcasm barrier to try and push you away.

Another problem I have noticed is we don't like small talk. I think we think it's pointless to waste conversation on trivial topics. This makes everyday conversations hard to get started. If I try to start a conversation with you, I feel like an idiot because I know most of the time I'm talking about something you don't care about. Then when you're honest about not caring, I become hypersensitive to your disapproval and either get very defensive or very sarcastic, neither of which is good. This seems to be what causes the distance too. I feel beat up and stupid for thinking the connection I felt one day would continue to the next. It's not really because of you, although I do think the fact that we both suck at small talk contributes to the distance. That's not necessarily a bad quality. It just means we both want something more then idle talk from a conversation.

As far as understanding people goes, I agree with you. I find that my best insights with understanding people come when I've realized I don't understand. I need to work on making every relationship, not just a select few, personal enough to be understanding.

The weird part about all of this is that I can turn it off. When I'm around you and I relax I find myself having more fun then I have with . . . well, anyone really. It's surprises me how much I care about what we talk about or about what you think of something. But I do know that I don't want to ruin it by being as defensive as I have been lately.

So what should I do? I think my root problem lies in wanting to keep my wall around people, you especially in this instance. But also doing some of the things you talked about would certainly help. I want to talk in person, because there are some other things that I don't know I can explain without the interaction of conversation. Also, I'm very sleepy and I think I'm getting less and less articulate as I continue writing.

g'night