For Matt - Wherever I may find him

Teeheehee. The title of this post makes me laugh. I only used it because I'm listening to Simon and Garfunkle right now.

So, this post is about Matt. Actually, this post is for Matt (and myself, of course). So if there is anyone out there who reads this, that's why it's so spastic. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

Matt:

I read your blog. I wasn't offended or anything. I'm actually sort of glad you brought it up because a lot of the time I feel the same way. I'll try and be articulate, although it might turn insomnic rant-ish. I apologize in advance.

So my problems have been-
-hypersensitivity to your criticisms (and feeling like I'm being criticized often, even though analysis proves otherwise later on)
-Being very defensive
-Not wanting to let you get to know me anymore
-Feeling like we connect well sometimes, and then are totally distant the next day

Lately, I have felt a lot of tension between us. I have been putting most of it on me acting defensive ect, but knowing you feel the same way changes things a bit. In some ways, I feel like I see things I don't like about myself through your behavior. Not because you have those traits necessarily, but that being around you brings them out in me. It has made me re-evaluate most of my emotions, which I think is a good thing. On the other hand, it also makes me watch for those traits in almost an obsessive manner around you, which in turn makes me really . . . annoying. We know each other well. I think it's partly because we're alike in so many ways that we just have an understanding but also because we talk and try to get to know each other better. We're also both introverted. That makes it hard for us to . . . Connect sometimes. I hate when people get to close, and I've always kept people far enough away to not hurt (or help) me. It scares the hell out of me that you have broken past that barrier. It shouldn't, because a big part of me knows you would never hurt me. I also know that I need to be more open in general. But it's hard to shut off my security when it's been on for so long. When I feel like you're getting too close, I use my age old sarcasm barrier to try and push you away.

Another problem I have noticed is we don't like small talk. I think we think it's pointless to waste conversation on trivial topics. This makes everyday conversations hard to get started. If I try to start a conversation with you, I feel like an idiot because I know most of the time I'm talking about something you don't care about. Then when you're honest about not caring, I become hypersensitive to your disapproval and either get very defensive or very sarcastic, neither of which is good. This seems to be what causes the distance too. I feel beat up and stupid for thinking the connection I felt one day would continue to the next. It's not really because of you, although I do think the fact that we both suck at small talk contributes to the distance. That's not necessarily a bad quality. It just means we both want something more then idle talk from a conversation.

As far as understanding people goes, I agree with you. I find that my best insights with understanding people come when I've realized I don't understand. I need to work on making every relationship, not just a select few, personal enough to be understanding.

The weird part about all of this is that I can turn it off. When I'm around you and I relax I find myself having more fun then I have with . . . well, anyone really. It's surprises me how much I care about what we talk about or about what you think of something. But I do know that I don't want to ruin it by being as defensive as I have been lately.

So what should I do? I think my root problem lies in wanting to keep my wall around people, you especially in this instance. But also doing some of the things you talked about would certainly help. I want to talk in person, because there are some other things that I don't know I can explain without the interaction of conversation. Also, I'm very sleepy and I think I'm getting less and less articulate as I continue writing.

g'night

Mondays are 1/7 of your life

Most of the people I know hate Mondays, but I don't find them too terrible. Although I have to admit it's rather difficult to face the weekend being so far away. Ah well. I don't want to turn in into the type of person who only lives on the weekends. Life happens in between, after all. Actually, more good things happen to me on weekdays then weekends. But nothing good EVER happens on Thursdays. Never.

Well, my odd mood from yesterday kind of carried over into today, but it wasn't as bad. It made for a rather interesting train of thought during Physics (which can be interesting, although I never pay attention) and P.E ('nough said). I started to think about whether or not I know who I am, which sort of came from thinking about certain people who seem to know.

I really don't like it when people label or stereotype others, but I think it's almost worst to stereotype yourself. I don't think it's possible to grow or change if you do that. But on the other hand, if you want to change are you technically insecure about who you are? And if your insecure do you then not really know who you are? It seems very close minded to not want to change the worse parts of yourself, but then again they also make up who you are. Trying to change one's nature all the time is bad . . . But so is not allowing yourself to change.

Hmmm . . . I guess I'm trying to say that there is a balance. The people out there that would never want to change their personality can't exactly better themselves, which is necessary (in my opinion) for a good life. People who are always searching for who they are will never live as themselves, if that makes any sense. They will always be living as who they want to be or who they think they are. Insecurities are natural, but too many or to few of them isn't good.

I have insecurities, but everyone does. Most of the time they are very superficial ones, and I don't think they really affect how I view myself. There are times that they get to me, especially if someone whose opinion I respect makes me feel like I'm not "right" or good enough. I think these are somewhat healthy though, because they make one second guess assumptions about oneself. In many ways, I do know exactly who I am. But now and then, it's good to take another look. Most people, well, all people don't know me as well as I know myself. But that doesn't mean people around me can't have insight to certain aspects of my personality. I think I know myself pretty well, but I don't want to become stagnant in that respect.

Well, that all sounds like an insomniac rant, though it's only 9:00 ish. Ah well. I never said I wouldn't be random, or that I would ever say anything of importance. G'night.

Hmmmm . . . I'm in a weird mood right now.

It's sort of sad/tired/nostalgic/sentimental/restless. Very odd. I despise being in moods this weird because NOTHING gets me out of them! Good things could happen to me all day long but my day will still feel . . .off. Yeah, I know I'm not being very articulate but whatever. No one reads this anyway, at least not to my knowledge.

I was working on my english paper when my friend in Denver called me. She has some . . . interesting ideas about certain things. Anyway, she talked the whole time about her boyfriend. They've been going out for about a year and I guess it's come to the point where she wants "more" from the relationship. Basically, she wants him to tell her he loves her. I had to sit there and listen to her worry that he won't tell her, or that if does it won't be romantic enough. Very exasperating.

In the midst of all the teen drama, I started to think about how I would tell someone I love them. I know it sounds dumb, but it was sort of interesting to think about. What if I fall in love? I need to have a gameplan. I came up with the following guidelines for myself to not ruin the moment:

1. I would tell them when they least expected it. I sort of try to make a habit out of doing things when people arn't expecting it because the reaction is more honest. I would especially want the reaction to be as honest as possible in this case. Also, I hate cliches. If you tell someone you love them when they are expecting it, it's bound to be a cliche moment.

2. If I said it, I would do it at a moment where I meant it. A lot.

3. I would say it outside. I know that's really odd sounding, but outside is just . . . better

If the moment is right, I think telling someone you love them will come off right no matter how romantic you're trying to be. Isn't it ridiculous to have romantic "standards" ? I think so, anyway. People are surprising. If you set standards for them or put them in a box you'll never see how good they can be. Why do that with love?

Yeah, so that was very pointless and probably made no sense, but that's what I was thinking about.

I've never got the hang of thursdays . . .

I have had the worst week ever.

I'm serious. I can think of a few weeks that have come close to being as bad as this one, but nothing can beat it. I could handle it better if just one awful thing happened and I could get on with my life, but no. It's like being in a pit of terrible events that will never stop. Ever!

I'm sorry, that was a little over dramatic. I should probably explain myself.

So, Monday I stayed home from school because I still felt like crap from being sick over break. I couldn't stop coughing and I had a fever. Ack, I hate coughing. The other problem with being sick was I missed a lot of work at school. I also spaced both my pre-calc and spanish homework on monday night and I spent most of tuesday trying to finish it. No sucesss though, I turned it in half done.

Then, wednesday came along. I had a pretty standard crappy day, beginning with getting up super late and fighting with my mom before school. Then, this kid I don't have feelings for at all asked me to dinner. It was uncomfortable and far from flattering. This whole situation made me start to feel unusually lonely andI started to wish someone I had feelings for would make a move. Forgot my lunch, fought with my cousin, headache . . . blah blah blah. Another fight with my mom and an extremly boring pep band rehearsal later, I was so sick of acting like I wasn't pissed I just threw in the towel.

Of course, the night didn't end there. Tre long (and boring) choir practice that wouldn't end. So then, I went to talk to Matt because I needed to know what was going on friday. We were supposed to go to this dance, but he said he didn't want to go after all. I didn't much care about going because I wasn't even considering it until he asked me. In truth, I was sort of relieved I didn't have to go through all the crap one must endure when enjoy the ninth circle of hell, commonly known as high school dances. But then he kept giving me all these bullshit reasons why he didn't want to go, which was pretty annoying. They just made me feel not good, like . . . I wasn't incentive enough to overcome those reasons. My insecurity I.V kept throwing "Why would even think he might want to go with you?" 's at me. I know that's pretty idiotic but that's how I felt, probably just because it's been a bad week. The weird part is I wouldn't really have been bothered normally and it really got to me last night. I must have been giving off that vibe too, because he made this sort of effort to say it wouldn't kill him to make other plans, which obviously didn't help the situation too much. I tried to tell him I just wasn't in a good mood, but I think it bothered him even more and now he probably thinks I'm even more of a freak then I appear to be. We went to safeway after that and just messed around for a bit. I felt a lot better afterwards, but still not good. I got home at about 11:00 and stayed up until 3:30 doing homework.

Today started out a lot like yesterday, except I totally killed my shins in band after I tripped over the conductor's podium, which sucked. Still, I felt O.K until I read this thing Matt wrote last night about me. I don't even want to summarize what it said, but I got really upset and angry and wrote him an email trying to defend myself a little. I decided not to send it right away and try talking first; but he didn't really remember what he had said so I didn't give him the note right away. In all fairness, he probably did write it really late at night with out the benifit of cognitive thought. I shouldn't get all defensive before I know exactly what he meant. But it really bothered me! It basically confirmed all of my insecurities about last night. I must be a much worse person then I think I am.

*sigh* and now I'm here. Bitching about very superficial things and getting angry with myself for letting them get to me. Oh, and I'm listening to Everlong by the foo fighters, which is one of my favorite songs ever.

What will tomorrow bring? Hopefully something really awesome to make up for this horrid week. I shall have to see . . .