Man, I love Wednesdays

This week has been insanly busy, and the coming weeks are just going to get worse. However, that's not why I'm updating *gasp!*. Something VERY exciting happened last week and I felt the need to talk about it. Free time has been few and far between lately, so I'm only just getting around to it. I'm going to be out of town pretty much every week in March and there is just more and more going on every day. It's an exciting kind of busy though, the type that feels good and fun even if it's hard work.

So, back to what I wanted to talk about, which is . . . something that happened last wednesday. I guess I should start at the beginning, since I haven't exactly been keeping my non-existent readers informed of the situation. Well, it will help me analyze it better, so it will be good.

Ready? This is exciting . . .

For a while now, I've had feelings for Matt. I don't know how long exactly . . . probably around a month or so. Hmm . . . when did it start? I remember I was in English, and Courtney made some offhand comment about him, and all of the sudden my stomach lurched and I got the weirdest feeling that send a chill down my back. My brain didn't quite register what had happened until I went to the bathroom and started thinking about what was going on. Then, in a flood of memories, I realized how much I cared about him. Those little sparks of chemistry between us meant something more then I was willing to admit. At first I was a little confused, but I thought it through and decided not to make any sort of effort because:

A) we were (are) very good friends, and our friendship is very satisfying. I wouldn't want to ruin that by thinking a relationship might work out.

B) I was almost certain Matt did not feel the same way I did

C) I was somewhat afraid that I was tricking myself into liking him, and that my feelings might not be as genuine as I thought. This sounds really dumb, but it does happen. There have been a few times where I thought I liked someone because, for lack of a better explanation, I wanted to

Anyway, nothing much changed from that point on until last week. I acted (at least I think I acted) the same way I had before I realized I liked him. Some more backround; certain people (adults and some mutal friends) have been trying to set us up for a while. I had heard from one of these people about two weeks ago that they had been having a conversation about me. I was curious why they had been talking about me, so I asked Matt about it. He wouldn't answer me right away, but last Saturday I brought it up again and Matt sort of hinted that he would not find the idea of dating me completly repulsive. This surprised the hell out of me, and we waited to talk it out until wednesday night, when we had choir.

Well . . . I don't really know how to describe what we talked about. It's so weird to talk to Matt sometimes because we are so much alike we have the same train of thought. We talked about how we knew eachother really well, and how our friendship was very honest and open and always had been. Matt talked about how he thought dating would be an extension of our friendship and how he saw no reason why it wouldn't be a positive thing, because we both had brains and a lot of respect for eachother. I did mention that I hoped he wasn't settleing for me, and that he was sure about it, because I didn't want him to be doing this unless it was real. I guess the most surprising part of the whole conversation was hearing him assure me it wasn't, and listen to him talk about us so honestly, with feeling. I was shaking so bad I had to play with my e-brake so it wouldn't be noticable, but I was totally calm at the same time. It was odd because everything coming out of his mouth was almost exactly what I was feeling. It's a calculated risk to enter into a relationship, but I trust that we won't hurt eachother, and that it will be a positive thing. When he asked if we were offically dating at the end of the conversation, he had a smile on his face that made my knees a little weak (sappy, I know, but I'm serious) and that was it.

So the point of that overly long post was basically to say I'm no longer single. I'm dating someone who I really care about, but at the same time if it doesn't work out I think we will still be able to be friends. It's odd to say, but I'm hopeful about this. I really do feel like it will be a good thing, and I think it's a good sign that we're both very calm and controlled and that we're . . . realistic but positive.

Now I have a smile on my face, so even if nobody cares about this it has served a purpose. :)

Wow! I'm absolutly exhausted today, though I have a reason. Yesterday was a VERY long day. I cleaned most of the morning, then went to set up for the dance my class hosted to try and get more money for prom. After that I went to mass and sang ect. Then I went to go get my family dinner before I had to go back to school to finish setting up the music for the dance. *whew*

Yeah, so my major stressful thing yesterday was the dance. I was put in charge of the music yesterday, after being told that Hyrum had some of it ready so we wouldn't have to do much. The way they wanted to do it was just not going to work, so I made an emergency call to Matt asking him for the music he used at the guys and dolls dance, which he D.J-ed. Thank god he brought it, or else . . . well, it would not have been good. I did feel kind of bad for Matt, because he had to stay the whole time because we used his computer.

Good news? We had a great turnout for a casual dance and made a lot of prom money. Bad news? When you are a D.J, people are complete bastards about what music is being played. You can never keep everyone happy and people cuss you out if you play a "crappy" song. Urgh. It's very stressful. I didn't dance at all and spent most the evening on the brink of being murderd because we kept having problems with how we routed the speakers and stuff. Ah well, it was an expeirience.

Another thing that has been bothering me; prom. Is it ethical to sort of oppose prom and still help put it on? I just don't have a desire to go. Everyone who is helping keeps trying to get me to go, but I just don't feel like it. I'm not saying I'd have an awful time, but there is a 99.9% chance that it won't be anything spectactular, and I don't care enough. On the other hand, I see people getting asked to it and sort of wish someone would. That's pretty hypocritical; not wanting to go but wanting someone to ask me. I guess its more about someone reaching out then what their reaching out for, or else I would want to go more. Which leads me to wonder whether I'd go if someone asked me. Deep down, I still really don't want to go, but honestly if someone asked me I would probably say yes, partly because I don't know how I could say no without being an elitist jerk and partly because I think I would just because someone actually asked me. This makes me feel very hypocritical, but whatever. I doubt anyone will even think about asking me, so I'm fine. My inner moral struggle about the ethics of prom has offically been thwarted. :)

But . . . who would I want to ask me???? There is one person, but I know for certain he wouldn't do it. I think we might have a good time, so this makes me a little sad. However, I don't know how I'd handle myself with him at a dance, or after it. There are a lot of expectations/traditions that go along with prom and getting asked ect. I don't think I would handle that situation well at all. And I really don't want to ruin what we have, because its nice, even though I secretly want something more. If he did ask me, we might feel obligated to try out being more then friends, then screw it up and just be . . . off around eachother. I hate this feeling! I really care about him, and there are plently of moments where I think we almost come close to being more then friends, but nothing ever happens and I'm not even sure if he feels the same way. I wouldn't sacrifice his friendship for a relationship unless I knew it would be good for both of us. It's a mute point anyway, because nothing will probably happen, and I'll never have to make that choice. Although, I think I honestly want it to, whihc bothera me.

Why I am going Crazy

I don't know what's up with me, but I swear I've become completely unhinged. I keep hearing weird noises (and no, not just when I'm by myself) and seeing little flashes of light or color. I also keep getting the kind of headaches I usually get when I clench my teeth or really hit my head hard. Its so weird! I think it might just be in my head but I can't stop it! And I listened to a country music station last night on the way home. See, I'm crazy, Argh!

So . . . Its been awhile since I updated this. What's happened? Hmmm . . . well, I went to Libby for band. It was pretty boring, but just hanging out with everyone in band was pretty cool. We had some good times pranking people and telling my friend Laura that see has a build-up of sexual tension with her arch nemisis. Its so much fun because she turns brick red everytime I mention it, and she's so collected normally. Still, I probably should have stopped bugging her about sexual tension because now she won't stop giving me crap about sexual tension she thinks that I have with . . . er, someone. Ah well. I also had possibly my most embarrasing moment since the time I shorted the power in elementary school. But that would take far to long to explain, so I'll just say I think turned about as red as I have ever been in my life and Mike really needs to keep his mouth shut. Other then that, the only other thing that I'm thinking about right now is learning all the music for choir, which I just joined, for the concert in three weeks. Yeah, I afraid I will screw up royally, or just not know the music as well as I usually do, which is scary.

That's kind of all, and yes, I know it was boring but that's alright.

Night, all.